I hadn't written a post since August 1st. It took me 20 days. I was in a funk.
Four days before Gord Downie played his last concert with the Tragically Hip I was getting my ass kicked by Tracey.
I deserved it. I needed it. I was depressed.
Being the brilliant and compassionate person she is she finally knew she had to step in and put a mirror in front of me and make me realize it was time to pull up my happy pants and to stop letting the drugs win me over. I was better than this.
The day of the concert I had spent 4 hours in the emergency room due to a fever. I had already decided to stop the Pazopanib and was starting on a strong antibiotic so I felt I deserved a drug holiday.
The concert couldn’t have come at a better time.
I watched in awe.
When Gord wrapped up the first set with a screaming session I felt like I knew so much of what he was going through. It was like he was channeling my own pain and frustration. A complete mixture of emotions - from the pure elation of enjoying the moment to frustration that this meant he could no longer do what he loved doing. But knew he was doing the session in style and that made him smile and keep going.
When he did two encores I was so energized I could barely comprehend the momentum I had building up in me.
That night I was in the bathroom the whole evening, barely getting any sleep. But I was smiling. I was feeling so great that even the exploding ass couldn’t make me sad.
The next night the same thing. And I was even happier. The departure of the drugs were lifting the fog. I was singing Hip songs all day long.
I realized in less than 36 hours that I was going to be ok again. Feeling as crappy as I was with the exploding ass and no sleep was way better than feeling like I was alone and unable to manage my situation.
Watching Downie scream his lungs out and pull off this incredible experience reminded me I too have the same strength.
I just have to dig deep and remember it.
Thanks Gord. Fingers and Toes, Fingers and Toes. We have 40 things in common. 41 if you include the fact that we don’t care.
Thanks Tracey. Thanks for bringing me out of the fog. You are ahead by a century.