I saw Mommy kissing Santa

The other night I woke up at 3:48am from a dream. The dream was really really weird and i would like to tell you about it but that would be even weirder. Instead I'm going to tell you about the dots that I connected that night as I lay there thinking. 

And pretty profound dots they were. Who knew the stuff that lurked below the conscious mind.

Let me see if I can do this...

This Christmas I was so excited to become Santa Claus. I grew my beard out for a month, found a Santa Claus outfit and waited for Jil and Ryan to have a baby.

Well, a healthy Benjimin David James MacDonald came five weeks early so I coordinated a quick photo session with Neil Zeller at the Brewery.  

You see, in our house we have 17 years of Jack and Amanda photos with Santa and I figured with a preemie the new parents were not going to be able to pull off getting a photo in a mall and that maybe I could help start the tradition for year one.

This made me ridiculously happy. Here a few of the shots.

And then we had the most awesome family Christmas with two new family members (Shane newly married to Jessica and little baby Benjimin). The whole family was out here and I again got to play Santa Claus on Christmas day. As you can see by the photos it was awesome and again I was so happy.

But when I woke up last week and was lying in bed thinking something profound slipped in to my mind. I started thinking about my lovely Mom. She passed away from cancer just before the brewery was started (side note: Tracey suggested I put a picture of my Mom on the case of beer, so if you purchase a case of the Village Blonde you will be looking at a picture of a 17 year old Barbara Mae). 

She had breast cancer that also metastasized in her liver. She decided she didn't want to go through Chemo or Radiation and decided she was going to take whatever came her way. She passed away about nine months after the diagnosis (at least that's how long I have it in my memory).

During those nine months I would fly out to Ottawa and have some great conversations with her. I will always remember lying in bed with her and asking her 'what are the three most important things I need to know", to which she replied, life is easy so don't make it difficult, be kind and laugh a lot. I haven't forgotten Mom and I try to practice these daily.

While I was going through the process of dying with my Mom I did a lot of reading so I could better understand how to relate and how to deal with some of the difficult scenarios. The one thing that stuck out the most for me was that one of the bigger fears someone has when they are dying is that they are afraid they won't be remembered. There is a concern about their legacy. 

I found this to be powerful, and so I worked with Dad to create a book about my Mom so she knew we would always remember her. And I do. She was the best, most patient, kind, loving person I could ever have had for a Mom. And she loved to laugh. I can hear it now.

Which now leads me to the jolt of lightening that occurred around 3:55am. 

I realized I was getting a photo of myself with Benjimin because I didn't want to be forgotten. I wanted Benjimin, and others of course, to remember me. That first Santa photo was my ticket to immortality (no pressure Jil and Ryan).

Now this is a bit of a vulnerable spot to be in. Especially since in my day to day travels I don't even allow this negative type of thought to gain any traction. But my subconscious had a different opinion.

Not sure what it all means, but when I discovered the idea I laughed out loud.

I laughed then I stared at the ceiling for a while. And with one last laugh I closed my eyes and went in to a deep sleep.  

Mom would have been proud.


Goddam Marathon

I forgot to remember.