I'm going to write another free flowing post. I'm doing this because I am not 100% sure how I feel right now, and it's a feeling that has been with me for a week and I cannot nail it down.
So I figured I would start writing and see what comes out of it.
In general terms things are going well, in specific terms there are a lot of things bugging me these days though. Actually, I am a bit frustrated and I am not sure why.
Everything is going well. I am getting close to passing the one year mark that I was given. I know now that I am not going to be adding to the statistic that was presented to Tracey and I last year. So for that I am certainly grateful.
My strategy was to keep working and basically to tell myself that if I was going to be dead in a year that the best thing to do was to stop working and focus on my health, my family and I guess my bucket list. By taking the stance that I wasn't going to be following the Oncologists estimation I knew that I had to keep working and act as though nothing major was happening. In essence, I have been trying to remind the cancer that it was allowed to stay, but not thrive.
I think it was a big part of why I have been successful in reaching this milestone. Actually, I shouldn't say milestone cause until recently I didn't really allow it to enter my mind. It's only because I am closing in on this date that I am starting to become rather introspective on the journey.
And then earlier this week I was having lunch with my friend Jason and we got to talking about a friend of his that has a serious health issue as well. He was also given a short term to live, and as a result he made the decision to follow his passion and took 6 months off to travel and take photos. He has done a few of these excursions and has visited something like 78 countries. From what I gather he is losing steam and spent some time in the hospital recently. Hopefully he pulls out and continues chasing his dream
Well, this conversation got me thinking. Have I been reckless? Have I been blinded by my confidence that I was going to beat this? Did I do enough this year? Am I wasting my time in meetings?
What if the prediction of one year was correct and I didn't really have the power to make a change to the disease. (side note, I think my attitude alongside the drug really worked well together to get me here today)
I think the short answer is no. No I wasn't reckless, no I am not wasting my time doing the shit I love. I think this was the right path for me, and thankfully it is going int the direction I was working towards.
As for doing enough this year, well, I can always do more adventure. Cat skiing, sea-kayaking...I need more of these types of outdoor adventure.
But all that being said, I can probably do a better of my day to day travails. I need to be more selfish with my time.
But damn it's hard. I love helping others out, it gives me my happy juice. I love building things, things like Best of Calgary, Circle the Wagons, Village, Evans Hunt, the beer industry...all things I can't help but be a part of.
It's all balance. And maybe at the end of the day this is my biggest challenge. Will need to tackle this topic soon.
Ok, this has been cathartic. I knew it was in here, I just didn't know what it was.
PS this post took 4 hours to write. Lots of thinking was had, few brain cells were harmed.
PPS am going to go the Flames game with my sweetie right now, no time to check typos, or find a photo, but I wanted to post it before I took off.
Update: Flames lost but we had a ton of fun!