Go. Stop. Start again. Stop. Go.

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I am finally coming to terms with the thought that I cannot really plan anything these days. OR at least I am attempting to come to terms with it. 

It's not easy to not plan.

Yesterday I met with the Oncologist to prepare for my Nivolumab IV treatments which were scheduled for today. Unfortunately my lipase is at 148 (norm 40-80)  so yet again the recliner sessions have been postponed. 

The domino effect on this is quite complicated as it means an additional blood test next week, another meeting with Oncologist and a possible Recliner Session on Thursday. If for some reason this doesn't pan out as planned (I think I have had to postpone four times now) then the following week may be up for grabs. And then again it's a round of appointments that bump all other activities/meetings for the week.

I can't plan anymore. Which I guess can be seen as a positive opportunity that I am paying more attention to the now and not filling the calendar. But it's also a bit stressful if you still want to be producing forward moving activity outside of your health world.

But without a doubt, the most thought is being given to the fact that for over two months I have not had any cancer treatments. I stopped the Sutent when the first bout of pancreatitis kicked in, then each time through November, December and January I kept attempting to start Nivolumab but to no avail.

And it seems as a result there have been additional growth in the tumours. 

I want to start again. I am putting all my focus on not getting sick, not having a pancreatic level above 80 and am going to ensure I am ready for the Recliner Sessions on Thursday.

Because worse than the uncertainty of not having a plan is the certainty of not having the plan.

Damn the torpedos. Gently full steam ahead.


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