I’m experiencing the weirdest feeling right now. Actually this whole past week has been a surreal experience, but I want to talk about one aspect in particular.
My head and my body are not necessarily aligned and this is new to me. I’ve spent the last six years really working hard to keep appraised of what my body was doing. For much of the time I wouldn’t take pain medication as I had a need to know what my body was doing so I could give fine detail to my medical team.
And now they feel separate.
The body is weak, I’m struggling to walk and move yet my mind feels very much alive and in control. Well to be fair I’m on opiates so let’s only take that so far.
And where this has me a bit off kilter is in how this whole thing is going to go down. As things are now I suspect the body will have a moment and will send a relay up to my brain to say ‘hey dude shit’s getting real, I’m shutting her down’. Or maybe it won’t, I just don’t know. And that’s what has me off kilter. I’m relying on the prognosis of my medical team. I’m no longer really in control of where this is going.
And I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m 100% at peace with the direction, just a little less confident in my role as the brain and body duke it out.
Either way, it is what it is and I’ll see where it all goes. I’m at peace and that’s truly the best I can hope for.