A stream of consciousness

Typically when I write a post I have an idea or a topic that I know I want to cover. Notionally I know where I want to start and where I want to end...but the middle just happens.

In this post I have no purpose other than to share a stream of consciousness. For you see, I feel shitty, I'm in a bad mood and am frustrated. So, I thought why not throw some stuff down and see what happens. I am intrigued by what I will eventually spit out - and I am not going to go back and proofread what I wrote, and I ain't going to read it till another day (typos, grammar along with worrying about what I say are irrelevant).

Here goes:

This whole process is a true journey, sometimes it's enlightening, sometimes it's rewarding but sometimes, like today, like right now, I am so done with the fucking journey. I had some great plans for this weekend as I was going to be on a drug holiday, instead I am staying home because I have anohter cold. Damn, there is a typo and I can't go back and fix it...stupid rule. It feels like I keep getting colds, and not those little runny nose ones either. I'm getting the cough so hard my eyes bulge out and I can't sleep kind of cold.

Oh boy, I can already see that I am going negative in this post. Kinda like Clinton said she wouldn't but then did and probably now regrets not providing hope instead of stooping to Trumps level.

but my cold is only one of the challenges. I still have all the other new daily rituals to take care of.Activities like a bath or two a day for my muscle pain, my constant sense of being cold, my nutsack and butt rash. Now don't get me wrong, I love the bath, but I have to do it twice a day or I feel terrible...almost like it's verging on an addiction. Hmmm, actually I don't mind the bath at all, I do however mind that it makes the rest of my life so compressed. Disregard this paragrph...damn, I can't erase, how stupid of a paragraph. Oh well, onwards.  

Am starting to question this post in its entirety. And now I am questioning myself for starting this experiment, it's like I started a sentence in a group of people and now I cannot stop myself and keep digging furhter and further into a hole. I better laugh at myself in a couple of days.

I still blowdry the junl twice a day. (I will write a post on the junk next, it's actually comical) Take 3 sunitinibs at 10:30 am, a thyroid around three pm, a heartburn pill before bed. I put a Bruder bra on my eyes at night time to bring natural oils to my eyes as they are dry. I put in drops for the dryness as well. Every day I want to take tylenols for the pain but most days I forgo as I am already taking more chemicals than I want to...

When I go for a walk in the snow I start getting a rash/rawness on my feet so I have to be very careful how far I go. Actually what I need to do is buy myself some better winter boots instead of the hand-me-downs from Jack. 

Oh I forgot to say that while the news was supremely awesome the other day, I still want this gone and I want to get on with my old carefree energetic life. But for now I can't...and patience is being taxed. Crap, this hasn't even been a year, what a whiner.

Oh and for clarity, I am not depressed, I have a pretty good understanding of that now. This is a blogxperiment where we share our feelings...it's weird.

On the plus side, I've proven I'm not limited to a one year journey, we know that now and for that I am grateful and proud. But damn it's a lot of work.

I see a physiotherapist every couple of weeks for some help, he is awesome and while the needling he does helps tons it is costly and is yet another medical meeting on the list. Seems I do two a week mininmum. My drugs go right to any place where I have had an injury in the past, my elbow, neck, big toe, shoulder and hip are in pain every day that I am on the drugs and get worse as the session comes to an end. Actually the pain and stress of the drugs don't start dissipating till aobut 4 days into my holiday. Seems it used to be immediate...

Actually, of all the side effects it's the mouth that bothers me the most. Not being able to taste food, or for that matter even eating food is tough as I have multiple sores that are like cancer sores but more annoying. If you get cancers imagine 10 of the really bads ones (I used to get them as well and know what it is that I speak - wow, that was a really poor sentence, sorry pal, gotta move on and leave you hanging out there).

I also find I am not really very good at being on this end of the equation. I am way better being the helper. And I feel bad that I am really not doing much for Tracey, Jack and Amanda. Especially Tracey as she is bearing the brunt of this journey. Regardless they are awesome and I know they are alongside me with this one.

And we all know I am going to be back to my ways eventually.

Ok I can see two paragraphs up there that I would like to eliminate, but won't. The best word to describe my feelings right now are frustration. Frustrated cause this is a long term plan, frustrated becasue I feel I can manage the drug therapy if I wasn't getting sick, or my nerves in my neck and arm were not so painful. Frustrated because I know a lot of this is due to the fact I am working too much and I am having a very hard time figuring out how to save more time for ME. 

Tracey tells me daily to slow down. I tell myself daily to slow down yet I don't do it. YOWZA I just figured out the purpose of this post. I just realized I am putting this out into the ethers and the world will provide.

Negativity begone. Jim is back. But i still feel crummy, but at least I had a vent. Sorry folks, nothing to see here. Keep moving forward and enjoy the moment.

As of today I am slowing down, and am bringing you along on that joureny. If I turn down a meeting, or a coffee, or a project or a fundraising dinner it's cause I need to. I'm sorry if it causes you stress but at this point it's kinda mandatory.

Some things I am goint to do:

  1. Go to the gym twice a week to get some exercise
  2. No meetings after 2pm unless critical. I will use this time to head home and meditate then do work from home where it is in peace and I can get way more done. Of couirse I hav many coming up so I am going to block off the ones I have now then begin the process in earnest in January.
  3. Manage myself with even more intent. I want to make stuff happen and it's what is driving me these days so I need to do less but more with the intent.

Hmm, that one is sketchy at best. Shoulda stopped at the first two points. 

Thanks for the vent.

Oh, and 1 negative blog every once in a while ain't so bad right.

I feel better already.

Sheldon Chumir

The gift of Cancer