The other day Tracey said something quite profound, and completely on point. She said ‘I think we owe an apology to some of those people that we judged as being their cancer.’
When we first started this journey we would often happen upon people that were completely absorbed by the cancer, and in most cases not in a positive way. We swore we wouldn’t fall in this category and have done a great job of staying positive throughout our own journey.
But, she had the thought. And she said it out loud.
And if she felt compelled to make that statement then it’s a pretty good sign that you have fallen off the rails. I respect Tracey so much, for so many reasons, and being honest and straightforward with me is one of the things I admire most.
She recognized that we were becoming what we said we wouldn’t.
And to be honest in this case I think I’m the main culprit. If I look back at the last couple of months, which in my defence have been relentlessly arduous, I can see that I’ve been talking a shit load about cancer, and surgeries and all things medical. It has dominated many of my conversations, and has somehow become the conversation to have with me. And it’s not just my cancer, it’s the cancer the person I’m chatting with has - either directly or through a spouse, family member or friend. Everyone knows someone. And I’m an open book so I talk cancer.
And I’ve allowed myself to become a lightening rod for it. And I’m totally fine discussing cancer, but I’m going to take a break from talking about my cancer. And my setbacks. And my surgeries. And. And. And.
Instead, when you ask me for the next month how I am the answer will be awesome. And that’s it. I’m awesome.
My hopes are to do a bit of a pattern interrupt- a break of the usual discussion about all that ails me.
Oh, but I’ll still be doing my daily walks and helping others as they wish to discuss their cancer or what ails them, I’m just not talking about mine.
I’ll keep writing posts, it’s the in-person component that I want to adjust as I hope it allows me to recalibrate my mindset. I’m finding, and I think Tracey sees it, that I tumbled in some darker places as of late and she’s doing what she does so well, she’s pulling me to safety.
And not that it’s a sole reason but this new chemo kinda feels like Pazoponib, which if you recall was a tough one mentally. I don’t want that dark depressive feeling ever again.
I’m paying attention in many ways. Paying attention to the beauty and joy that surrounds me.
But don’t be afraid to ask me how I’m doing or to continue any conversation, just know that I’m awesome and enjoying our time - and if you don’t get an organ recital, well that’s just awesome.