Dark days unfiltered

Ok, I'm in the dark days of therapy. Of that there is no doubt. Based on how I feel now the next four days are going to be tough as the toxins keep accumulating. Fortunately I can see a drug holiday coming up. But since I feel so shitty I figured I would give an unfiltered, emotionless account of what this past Friday morning was like. No platitudes, just an honest account of the side effects....


I wake up around 7:45 am.

Mouth is dry, upper lip stuck to my tooth.

Reach for water and it hurts my elbow to lift the glass. I recoil and then think about the needling my physiotherapist did four days ago. Damn the joints are sore.

Have a cold, blow nose. Thick and green and gross. But there is more blood this time. 

Stare at ceiling taking account of the day. Tasting the chemicals in my mouth that didn't go away with the water.

Realize I am the only one in the house. Bummer.

Swing feet off bed, put on housecoat and slippers. Left leg hard to move and hurts. Again, joints are sore.

Walk to kitchen, circle around island trying to figure out what to do. Head is super foggy. Worse than yesterday.

Open fridge, not inspired as taste buds are shot and nothing tastes good.

Decide muscles are sore so I walk back to bedroom to run a bath. Turn on tap and then decide to have my morning BM. Which is always one of the lousiest parts to the start of my day.

Decide I'm not ready for BM. Better to eat right away so I can calm the belly and give a two hour gap before talking Sutent. Open up fridge and decide to have a mixture of yogurt, strawberry, blueberry and some cereal. Cut a bagel but decide mouth is too sore right now so just eat a cold, soft, yogurt medly. Confirm taste buds are getting even worse.

After I finish I get up and finally realize there are dishes everywhere. Then realize the house is a bit of a mess and feel guilty that I haven't been doing my part. Start putting away dishes but lose momentum as am feeling overwhelmed.

Walk downstairs but get halfway down and stop. Forgot I have a bath poured. Hard to focus.

Head to bathroom. Start the BM. Not a terrible experience but when I wipe the paper is covered in blood. Need to put that on the list of things to discuss with Doc.

Get in bath. Damn it's hot..my skin is so sensitive. Keep my feet and hands out of the water as they are the most irritated.

Take a 20 minute bath. Feel a bit better so I get out and dry off.

Put penatan cream on my arse to see if it can help with bleeding.

Put ridiculously small amount of tooth paste on toothbrush as the taste is too powerful for my tongue. Brush very gently around the sore gums and open sores.

Get dressed. Put three Sutent in left pocket.

When leaning over to put on shoes head starts pounding. 

Reach in to pocket to see that Tylenol are in right pocket (I bring them but I rarely take them as I feel like there are enough drugs in the system).

Time to get to Evans Hunt for 9:30 meeting.

Open front door and realize how beautiful the day is. Lock front door and notice finger tips are getting really sensitive.

Get in car and smile.

It's another day.

Sorry for being graphic. Just wanted to be honest.


Circle the Wagons

I'm not Maud